By Anonymous
This morning my little cousin sent me an article on a company that is making 5-MeO DMT for use in mental health conditions (see article below). I found this even more interesting than I typically would have as I smoked this medicine two days ago, for the first time. I decided to do Bufo, aka toad, aka 5-MeO-DMT, a medicine that is harvested from the parotid glands of the Colorado River Toad, dried and then smoked in a pipe, with the intention of connecting to source. Here’s how it went…
My best friend had heard about a male and female toad facilitator via an underground connection. To my surprise they had a website… so I closely examined it and came to the conclusion that this was safe and they were legitimate, as I have been deep in the psychedelic space for quite sometime now. Further, this medicine isn’t known to kill people…although some people die… with toad they get reborn… but I’ll talk more about that later.
The facilitators directed us to medical and psychiatric intake forms and asked us to explain why we were coming to this medicine. The facilitators wanted to ensure we had no contraindications, like uncontrolled high blood pressure or underlying schizophrenia, mania or psychosis. They also carefully reviewed any “medicines” we were on as there are many that don’t mix well with Bufo, notably psych meds that increase serotonin levels (as Bufo does this and the combination can be dangerous). We were also required to abstain from MDMA and psilocybin for the five days prior to the experience, for the same reason, the risk of serotonin syndrome.
In my intake form I discussed the boulders I wanted to unload, my mom trauma etc, etc. Then I started to get frustrated, which I often do prior to ceremony. How can you prioritize your intention? Besides the mom trauma, I have marital issues, mom guilt, struggles with my legacy burdens and the list goes on and on. So how important are intentions? Do intentions matter with all medicine? I felt that for psilocybin and Ayahuasca intentions surely matter, because they are non-specific amplifiers… but was Bufo different? I often looked at the toad as a missile that would bypass whatever I thought I needed to work on and would seek out (laughing at my intentions on the way) my deepest darkest traumas or just completely transport me to the core of the universe dissolving my ego to only surround me in white ethereal light where I would gracefully bathe in gods love. The facilitators explained that with Bufo intentions are critical and they must come from the heart. So I ultimately decided to show up with the intention “connect with source”. How could I go wrong?
I spoke with the facilitators on the phone prior to the journey as this was a requirement, and I was happy to talk with them. We discussed the process and the importance of intentions and I began to cry on the phone. I quickly realized that the journey had already begun.
The morning of ceremony I was nervous, I always am with a new medicine. I was hoping I would be able to give in and surrender. We gathered in a sacred ceremonial space where candles burned and incensed filled the room. The facilitators set up a beautiful altar where they honored the toad. There was also a very special three-headed figure on the altar, The Trimurti. The Trimurti are the trinity of supreme divinity in Hinduism. This trinity is composed of the generator, the organizer and the dissolver, aka GOD.
As we were getting situated and better acquainted, I asked if we needed eye masks as this is typical in many medicine ceremonies. They responded with: “on Bufo you don’t have eyes.” Ok, ok, cool, right, I thought. The facilitators sang as they smudged us each with sage using an entire wing of a large bird, not just a feather. We then practiced how to smoke the pipe. They offered us options, we could shake hands with grandfather toad with 5 mg, then move on to a hug with 20 mg and escalate to a full embrace with 50 mg of the medicine or we could opt to go straight for the 50 mg. I decided I would go straight for 50 as I wanted to make sure I got the full experience and didn’t want to chicken out after the 20.
I sat cross legged with my friends sitting with their backs up against mine, supporting me. I took 3 three deep breaths (my friends breathed with me) in my nose and out my mouth as I raised and lowered my arms with each inhale and exhale. I turned my head to the left and exhaled rapidly 20 times. I then faced forward where the facilitator held the pipe. He lit it as I slowly and gently inhaled the smoke while they counted. I held it in my lungs for ten seconds and then I faded away into the darkness. They laid me down on the pillow and gave me space. I felt the toad move through me. My hand started to move with the vibration of the toad energy. It felt like the energy of a zillion hummingbirds. Part of me wanted to go deep but parts of me held me back. I could feel I wasn’t surrendering. I bucked. I was fighting it. I was stuck. I asked the male facilitator to hold my hand. I explained I felt stuck. I quickly came out of the medicine. The parts of me that wouldn’t allow me to go deep highjacked this experience. As the toad was making its way out of my body I began talking about how I feel stuck in my life. I explained that I felt that when someone’s feeling stuck we are always in such a rush to get them unstuck and what was coming up for me was sometimes it’s important to feel stuck and to stay and sit in the stickiness. They offered me more medicine. I declined. I decided to sit in the stickiness and look more into why I am feeling this way. There’s always a message in a medicine ceremony… without fail.
In these underground spaces you may release your darkest demons, you may dissolve your ego and scream and rock back and forth while you do it, you may die and get reborn and learn that you are the parent to yourself and now you get to decide how to raise you. For me I got stuck… because parts of me are stuck… and that’s ok. That’s my work. I will go back to grandfather toad after doing a lot of work on my stickiness in hopes that I can finally touch source. But I’m not in a rush.